When I meet people on the street who are familiar with my blog, they always ask one of the following two questions:
A) What is your job at VOGUE like?
B) How is your modelling career?
My short reply for both of the questions would be “inexistent.” But because people are not prepared to hear that, their reaction would usually be them asking me thousands and thousands of new questions that I don’t have time for or don’t feel bothered enough to answer. So instead of me being honest, I would just say something like “yes, everything is fine, how about you?” and move the focus on them and their achievements.
However, I really want to get back to regular blogging, so I thought, I should share with you what I am actually up to at the moment and what my dreams, goals and struggles are. Because *SURPRISE* none of them have anything to do with VOGUE or modelling. True, I wanted to be a fashion editor in a magazine as an occupation some time ago, but that time has passed, I have changed and so have my aspirations and plans.
I shall open a parenthesis here and admit that it was really hard making the decision to write this post because it feels nice seeing yourself through other people’s eyes, especially when their idea of you is so perfect. It feeds the ego, but it’s not real.
When I started my blog in June 2012, I had quite some ambitions for it. I hoped it will get noticed. I wanted to get the opportunity to visit exciting events and places because of it; I was dreaming to be one of these well-known social media fashion icons, with a vast collection of shoes, clothes and accessories that all the girls follow and admire! I wanted people to read my stuff and get inspired. I wanted my voice to be heard! To be honest, none of these desires have changed. If anything, not only have they not changed, but they have become bigger and clearer. If someone now stops me on the street and offers me a full-time blogging job that pays my rent, bills, and basically all the day to day needs I have, I will embrace the opportunity right away!
Briefly, my dream is to be a full-time blogger.
I don’t want to have a regular job. (And by that I mean a position you’ve been told you should go for since a very early age.) I’ve never been good in those occupations. Not because I am stupid, or clumsy (although, I do have quite a high amount of broken glasses under my belt) but because I just don’t fit in. Anywhere. It took me a lot of time, nerves, and tears before realizing and admitting it. I even had a period of time when I believed that I must have had bad karma and that’s why I can’t stay in one “normal” working place for more than 5 months. However, I was closing my eyes to the fact that I was the one who was simply giving up. Every single time.
So after months and months of cycling between overexcitement and sever under excitement, I finally realized that I should stop blaming my unfair manager/karma/destiny or whatsoever, and take the responsibility for my life in my own hands by deciding what I ACTUALLY want to do. And start doing it – step by step. Yes, I will probably have to work 5 more months or even a year (or two?! Hopefully not!) in a shitty place like a waitress or a bartender, doing 45 hours a week so I can pay my rent and all the other expenses, but I will be able to invest in the stuff I love doing – blogging, shopping and travelling.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I also want to stop and give up on everything. I’ve done it before, as I said, and the result is even more anger and guilt. Not to mention all the stress that comes with financial instability and lack of independence. Even the spotless fashion bloggers, who look perfect on photos, may cry themselves to sleep too, I promise you.
I don’t work in VOGUE. I am not following a modelling career either.
Yes, I’ve done fashion internships in well-known British magazines, I’ve done assisting jobs with quite a few celebrity fashion stylists and I sometimes do freelance editorial styling myself aside from my blog and a regular waitressing job. But I am not anything more than a 24-year-old girl, who is working hard (sometimes not even that hard!) to fulfil her dreams. I’ve got lots of plans and ideas, all of them are pretty big. I will share them all with you on my blog. I don’t know if I will be able to achieve them all, not all dreams come true. (Like for an example I never win more than £10 from a scratch card lol)
At the end of the day tho, I do believe that if I can accept working a boring job (I hope my manager won’t read that) but can still manage to find a self-motivation and strength to pursue my goals, improve my blog and myself at the same time, so can you! All you need to do is believe.